Artesian Ice Cream Making
1 artesian well drilling rig.
30 feet of well points of the same diameter as a one-gallon ice cream container.
1 ice cream pump
Directions: Find your way to Big Rock Candy mountain. Ask a hobo for directions (since, by definition, there are no neighborhood hobos, look around the closest railroad tracks for one that may be passing through).
Once there, choose your flavor. The strawberry ice cream aquifer can be found beneath the strawberry bushes; vanilla beneath the vanilla bean trees; coffee and chocolate beneath the cacao trees, etc.
Once sited, begin drilling. Ice cream will surge to the surface when you reach the ice cream aquifer.
Install well points into the aquifer.
Turn on pump.
Eat all the ice cream you want. Scoop and store as much as you can fit in your freezer.
FAQ: What if the hobo passing through my neighborhood won’t tell me the way to Big Rock Candy Mountain?
A: Oh. Sorry. Hobos never tell the way to BRCM. They’re sworn not to. But the rewards would be so great we think it’s worthwhile to keep asking. In the meantime, here’s our alternative.
Motorized Artisan Ice Cream Making on Adair Hill
Ice cream maker in chief:
Grigg Mullen III
Assistant ice cream maker and chief taste-tester:
To make 10 gallons of ice cream to make cool a party on Friday night that precedes the climactic scene in which the chief ice cream maker marries the girl of his dreams, Nell (aka Accacia, which are not the first two words of a tongue-twister) and they ride off into the moonset.
The ice cream-making event takes place on Adair Hill on Wednesday, May 15. In prior weeks, ice cream maker in chief Grigg has motorized a home ice cream maker by attaching it to a 2 ½ horsepower Witt engine and rigging two pulleys so that it will turn the ice cream maker at the proper speed. The whole kit and caboodle are mounted on a wooden skid which, in turn is attached to a trailer. (Go ahead and try this at home… if you have skills in small engine operation and repair, carpentry and the machinist arts). The trailer is delivered on May 13 to the site of the soon-to-be-cool pre-wedding party on Adair Hill at the home of Grigg II and Cindy Mullen.
Meanwhile, several friends — Jessie Knadler, Susan Guida and Brendan Perry, Mary Abdoney, and Will Barry-Rec and Jessica Miller — cook and pre-mix the ingredients for five flavors totaling 10 gallons of ice cream.
8:30 a.m. Wednesday, May 15:
Ice cream-making begins. Or so they tell me. The deputy dawgumentarian overslept (surprise, surprise, surprise). The ingredients for chocolate spicy ice cream — aka “the best chocolate ice cream ever” — are placed in the container of the ice cream machine. Ice cubes are placed all around the container, with rock salt added strategically. The engine, nicknamed Miss Witt by this writer, is started and takes over the work of turning the container, or churning the ice cream. Assistant ice cream maker Will adds more ice and rock salt to replace what has melted and run off into the overflow bucket.
9:15 or so:
One of the belts slips off a pulley. No problem, Grigg assures. He shuts the engine down, replaces the pulley and restarts the engine. The ice cream is churning again after a minute or so.
10:13 a.m.: “We’re almost ready to pull the first batch out,” Mullen alerts the now awake (almost) deputy dawgumentarian. He and Will take the container into the house, scoop the delicious contents into another container, which is placed in a freezer. They start work on the second batch (of 5), filling the ice cream machine’s container with the ingredients for raspberry ice cream. The process continues, as in the previous entry, until…
11:02 a.m.: “It can’t be out of gas,” Grigg says as an uh-oh moment arrives. Miss Witt has stopped for no apparent reason other than demanding some TLC. Grigg determines that her ignition points have gone out of adjustment. Fifteen minutes later, she is humming like your 3rd grade music teacher (if your 3rd grade music teacher, like mine, had a little problem with flatulence.)
11:45 a.m.: The churning of Batch 2 has been completed, along with the transfer from ice cream machine to freezer. The ingredients for strawberry frozen yogurt are placed in the ice cream machine and the churning of Batch 3 begins.
Noon-ish: We break for a delicious lunch prepared by Cindy Mullen, following which I stop checking the clock and, umh, nap. A couple hours earlier, I had learned from Will that his bond with Grigg is that “he and I both like to get things done.” That seems to be the common denominator here on Adair Hill. Documentarian Matt has been juggling two photo projects with some other work. Between ice cream churnings, Grigg and Will have accomplished three or four other chores while still attending the ice cream machine. Grigg’s father is moving wicked big stuff around with a fork lift. Cindy and five of her friends have been setting up a mock table in preparation for the coming events. Watching all these busy people has made me tired.
3:15 p.m.: Grigg informs me the fifth and final batch is done. I have completely missed batch 4, with the mouth-watering name of Lime Mint Sorbet, and most of the making of batch 5, except for the addition of its namesake ingredient — chocolate-covered almonds — to vanilla ice cream.
I have also missed a couple of Miss Witt’s demands for additional TLC, which Grigg satisfied with finality when he located the set screw which had been causing the stoppages from a hidden vantage.
And even now, seven hours after the start of the ice cream making odyssey, the job is still to be finished. Ten gallons of cold, creamy, flavorful ice cream (in the broad sense, which also includes sorbet) is still to be eaten. And smiled over. Who will rise to that challenge?
Guest Post by Mark Flanagan, Father of the Bride